I’m not even sure I have depression, I think this may just be ‘me’. I have always been pretty useless socially, but have had a normal upbringing, no horrible experiences, have gone through education fine and stuff, yet I’ve never enjoyed life, never really cared and I normally feel like I’m not really worth anything and, inevitably enventually, will become a burden.
I’m not going to be dramatic and say I’m going to end it, it sounds so pathetic but I have thoughts of ‘going’ or even dreams that I could die ‘blamelessly’ through accident or illness. Selfish I know.
I have a cycle. Get job, put on confident easy going persona, get physically tired from doing that, lose energy to maintain job, focus on negative, leave job in some form (fired/quit). Friends are much the same, play easy going fun, can’t keep it up, lose or push them away. Relationships, get attracted to ones who need help, help them in anyway I can, get to a point where I feel I am no more use so should go as they’d be ultimately better off.
I dip between a wish to not be around that is forever there and seems to be backed up with wholly logical reasons that people genuinely struggle to refute to absolutely crashing panic attacks or given up when my ‘theories’ are proved.
I know this sounds odd, but I don’t even have the will to get ‘better’, largely because I don’t think I can. I am just ‘me’. I am negative, boring and even if it is all just selffullfillng profecies, it’s still me who has done that. I’m not blaming life, or others or anything else.
I just feel I’m never going to be happy, I am soon to be much a burden on those around me and that, in the long run, it’d be better for all if I just went. I know my family loves me, but time heals, life would get better and people move on. In the long run I’m sure it wouldn’t effect my family and 100% sure everyone would be better off.
Not sure if there is an answer for this, just writing. I’m not angry, I’m not hurt, I’m not even sad as such, I’m just tired of everything, with little reason, not dramatic. Just ‘done’.