Cinta berputik tanpa sedar akan kehadirannya,
datang tanpa diundang,
pergi tanpa disuruh.

Fikiranku, hatiku, dan nafsuku
tidak sehaluan seperti yang diaturkan oleh-Nya,
menindas segala kesempurnaan yang hanya pas kabur di mata hati dan mata akal.

Benar atau salah jua pun tidak ada jawapan,
bongkak aku menganggapnya ia bertitik noktah,
malangnya ia bersisakan koma.

Berjalan, berlari, merangkak,
aku buntu soal motif dan makna sebenar hidup di zaman fitnah lagi di dunia fana ini.

Segalanya sudah aku lalui,
merasi satu penghunjung kebahagiaan,
bertahan lalu melepaskan setiap saat dan detik manis yang sementara aku kecapi.

Ikhwal cinta dan perasaan bukan yang esensial,
kerana pangkalnya aku celik,
bahwa, “Love comes when you least expect it”.

Menunggu dan terus menunggu,
seperti menanti sesuatu yang tiada kepastian,
pengharapan terkubur bertimbuskan beribu persoalaan,
menadah tangan bertakungkan air mata,
mewadahi menerima jawapan yang tidak aku inginkan.

Tapi sadar di mindaku,
suatu permulaan pasti wujud penghujungnya,
sebagaimana pertemuan berpasangan dengan perpisahan,
kerna jalan itu hak-Nya dan bukan padaku.



It has no basis in truth.


Tonight.. I have no clear idea what am I supposed to write, but the enthusiasm to talk about something has gotten into me to at least express my sorrow emotions, even me myself couldn’t be sure what it is. It feels like something is missing. I’m working hard, trying to get ahead, doing everything that I possibly can make my sorta lifeless just a little bit better. You know, the “basic” thing that I’m trying to do now, is to keep it all balanced, though.

Well, prolly I’ve got it all figured out. Through exercising to get fitter, eating right, or maybe by spending time with friends and family. But, except for that one stupid thing that keeps tugging at my heart. Which I don’t really know what it is, but it is there, and it is driving me a little crazy.

It is often mistaken as unhappiness, fatigue, depression, or being stuck in a rut. Some people will go off and do wild vacations, simply to try to discover if those activities settle the strange, inexplicable emptiness they feel inside. When they return to the real world, though, the problem is still there, still nagging at them. Yes, that’s literally how I feel inside.

I’ve laid in bed wondering what could be missing and wishing that I could afford to take an exotic vacation. It is easy to get caught up in trying to fill that void with things that will only temporarily bring happiness, instead of finding things that touch your soul and bring a smile to your heart forever.

Yet, the mysterious thing that is pulling at me, leaving myself to feel empty and unfulfilled in a life that would, from the outside, it seems all but amazing?

Perhaps, it’s the pursuit of happiness.

I am reminded that life is about reaching out to others, especially those who are hurting and needing help. Showing others love, kindness, and generosity is a humbling experience that has made me feel more connected with the world and those who live in it. Serving others is the best way to fill that, “Something is missing” feeling.



She’s my everything.

You took me as I am. You learned to deal with my bullshit. I know I am a difficult, hard person to handle at times, yet, in spite of that, you still stick around. There were days when I was moody and grouchy for no apparent reason, but you never once let me get in the way of our mother-daughter relationship. You are one and only, whose presence in my life truly means the world to me. You are my mother, you are my father, you are my sister, and you are my good friend too.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for accepting me the way I am without having ever judged me, and thank you for always being there.

I love you, Mama.



We ignore the red flags, fall for the same lies
We see a bit of our past in our present
But convince ourselves it’ll be different
We daydream that this time it’ll turn out right
It all comes to a head
At the same place we’ve once been
Broken and confused
Gasping at straws of rationalization
We love, we hurt, we lose
We forget to heal, to learn, to grow
We move forward, but we never really break the cycle


Such a scary thought ever.

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Of all things you’ve ever told me. I’ve never listened to this and my stubborn head keeps striving for perfection. I have to keep paddling as hard as I can, just to stay above water. It takes everything I got. However, I’ve got to admit, in some ways. I realized, I relied on that, someone… to keep me thinking, keep me striving to do better, keep me from burying my head and, praying all worked out. It was and still is, my Mom.

Every time I hear about a friend losing his Mom, although I haven’t been in such a situation, but it’s enough to make me cry. It’s a very poignant reminder to me that one fine day, I will lose my Mom too. That can be a very scary thought, when it happens… No no, I can’t think of anything.

You know, our life is sooo fragile. So be grateful for what you have now, because at any moment, any blessings can be taken away from you. Praise Him that He lets you have them for however long that He lets you have them for. Because it’s better to have had it then lost it, rather than never to have had it at all. Be borne in the mind, God owns everything. He owns it all, He may give and He may also take it away, He is the almighty. The blessing was never yours in the first place, stop acting like you own stuff, He just lets you use what has always been his. So, stay humble.

Many people never had the privilege of having a Mom as great as mine. I’ve been very blessed. I know I wouldn’t have made it this far without my Mom. I’m greatful for my Mom. And I know I couldn’t be able to pay it back. But there’s a power in just one light, light of encouragement, faith, positivity and love, that can spark a fire of strives and that can change the whole world, your world.

All of us are running a relay and I feel as though every time someone who is close to us passes away, it’s like they reach out to us with their baton, wanting us to keep moving forward and living the life happily. Because we are not here to stay, forever. We are just passing through. Tomorrow, we will be gone. It’s uncertain…

So let’s live, let’s love, let’s grab the baton and let’s run on!



Soul Alone.

I meet your eyes you don’t even see me
You hardly respond
when I whisper
Could be my soul mate
two kindred spirits

Maybe we’re not
I guess we’ll never

My own mother
you carried me in you
Now you see nothing
but what I wear

People ask you
how I’m doing
You smile and nod
don’t let it end

Put me
underneath God’s sky and
know me
don’t just see me with your eyes

Take away
this mask of flesh and bone and
See me
for my soul

Written by Hannah Baker



You know, I believe everything happens for a reason. People change easily, so you can learn to let go. Things always go wrong, so you can appreciate them when they’re right and you simply and easily believe lies, so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. Life, people… it breaks my heart to know I will never be able to trust anyone ever again. I’ve learned so many lies and each time it takes a piece of me that no one deserves me and vice versa.

One paramount matter, rebuilding trust when it’s been broken is not dependent only on the person who has broken it, or how many times they can prove they are honest. It depends on the person who has decided not to trust anymore. Though they may be totally justified in their decision not to trust, as long as they choose not to, the relationship has no hope of survival and should be ended. If or when they decide to trust again, there is hope to reborn.

But, it is still such a hard and difficult decision to make. It does not only affect you yourself, but it affects all people around you. You lose your trust in one people, you’re gonna lose your trust in others too. You can’t read people, you can’t read their minds nor hearts. People have so much of something either to state it out or keep it to themselves about something, about you. They will judge, good nor devil.

I don’t know if I could ever trust anyone anymore. I couldn’t even trust myself, when I planned to be on diet, I wasn’t supposed to eat junkies and should have watched my calories intake, but I failed. I even lied to myself that I should have done finishing my studies within  3 hours, but I finished it less than an hour. Oh God, what has gotten into myself lately wasn’t because of me alone, but the people I thought were friends to me, in the first instance. There is no way to regain nor rebuild the trust in anyone. Because trust is like a paper. Once it’s crumpled, it can’t be perfect again as it used to be.

After all, all I can say, love all but trust few. It’s a gentle reminder to myself too.