I meet your eyes you don’t even see me
You hardly respond
when I whisper
Could be my soul mate
two kindred spirits
Maybe we’re not
I guess we’ll never
My own mother
you carried me in you
Now you see nothing
but what I wear
People ask you
how I’m doing
You smile and nod
don’t let it end
underneath God’s sky and
don’t just see me with your eyes
this mask of flesh and bone and
for my soul
Written by Hannah Baker
You know, I believe everything happens for a reason. People change easily, so you can learn to let go. Things always go wrong, so you can appreciate them when they’re right and you simply and easily believe lies, so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself. Life, people… it breaks my heart to know I will never be able to trust anyone ever again. I’ve learned so many lies and each time it takes a piece of me that no one deserves me and vice versa.
One paramount matter, rebuilding trust when it’s been broken is not dependent only on the person who has broken it, or how many times they can prove they are honest. It depends on the person who has decided not to trust anymore. Though they may be totally justified in their decision not to trust, as long as they choose not to, the relationship has no hope of survival and should be ended. If or when they decide to trust again, there is hope to reborn.
But, it is still such a hard and difficult decision to make. It does not only affect you yourself, but it affects all people around you. You lose your trust in one people, you’re gonna lose your trust in others too. You can’t read people, you can’t read their minds nor hearts. People have so much of something either to state it out or keep it to themselves about something, about you. They will judge, good nor devil.
I don’t know if I could ever trust anyone anymore. I couldn’t even trust myself, when I planned to be on diet, I wasn’t supposed to eat junkies and should have watched my calories intake, but I failed. I even lied to myself that I should have done finishing my studies within 3 hours, but I finished it less than an hour. Oh God, what has gotten into myself lately wasn’t because of me alone, but the people I thought were friends to me, in the first instance. There is no way to regain nor rebuild the trust in anyone. Because trust is like a paper. Once it’s crumpled, it can’t be perfect again as it used to be.
After all, all I can say, love all but trust few. It’s a gentle reminder to myself too.
“Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be with them”
Understand how a man’s mind works. He knows you’re a good girl, he knows you’ll love him right but you’re just not the ONE. Not for him (to be exact). Or he just doesn’t want to settle down. Maybe you’d be the one 5 years down the line, but not right now? You’re not. No amount of love, sex nor favours is going to change that. You can’t blame him for it. He ain’t doing nothing wrong. He just doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you. You feel how you feel because you’re all up in your feelings and you do want to be with him. You probably decided to give him relationship benefits without being in a relationship. And that’s the problem.
He didn’t force you to give them to him. You chose to without making sure he wanted the same thing or thinking you can make him fall in love with you and make him see your value. The thing is… you can’t.
He knows what you bring to the table. You could be the perfect woman for a man who is ready to settle down but him? He still wouldn’t want a relationship with you. Because that’s one what he wants.
Move on. You can’t convince him. Don’t stay hoping that he’ll see your worth, because he won’t. Understand the situation. He likes you. He knows the type of girl you are. But he doesn’t want to be with you. If you give him all those benefits he’ll gladly take them. Why not? But he isn’t looking to get with you and if you keep on hoping he will, you’re only going to end up hurting yourself. Find someone who’re ready for what you want. Commitment. A future. Not someone who just wants fun.
Last but not least, you can’t expect a man to be true to you when he’s not even true to himself…
Basically, this applies to all males and females. Life is not going to be fair. Life is going to hurt you. Life is going to put you through unimaginable shit but at the end of the day, you have to look life in the face and say f*ck you, I own you. I am in control of my own destiny and I am going to get what I want out of you. I am going to live a life of my own choosing. I am going to grab you by the neck and steer you in the direction I choose to take. I am going to live my life how I want to live it. Regardless of my circumstances.
It’s like poisoning myself just to feel a high. And the root of the problem simply is not learning to be comfortable (and present) with myself. The typical philosopher would say “The solution to a lot of problems in life is just learning to be happy and content being on your own”. But, in reality, being your own worst enemy is just another way of shouting at the Universe. Yes, we can shout all we want, but at the end of the day, it’s nobody’s job or responsibility to love or take care of us, and relying on that is basically guaranteeing that at some point or another, someone else will deny us love, and we’ll be shit out of luck.
My life in a nutshell… stop being perfectionist. Be happy for what you have.
“Acting like you don’t have a heart is not going to stop you from hurting. In fact, you’re just devaluating your self worth. You are not that person. Be who you were, be who you truly are. How can you allow someone to change that?
You are stronger than that. You know you are.”
Be loving, understanding, caring, to have empathy, a kind heart, be quick to forgive, to share and to give, etc. Live life knowing that you gave your best to every person you met. Some people will value you, some won’t. Some will want to get to know you, some won’t. That doesn’t reflect on who you are as a person, but rather than on how they perceive things and where they are in life. Plenty of people are not ready. Not ready to see your worth but that does not mean that you’re not worthy. Not ready to love but doesn’t mean that you can’t show them what love is. Not even ready to appreciate the good that you do for them but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it.
Do all of those things anyway, because at the end of the day. You’re not doing it for them, you’re doing it for you.
A letter for myself because writing is the only way how I express my emotions.
“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.”
I can feel when someone is violating a boundary because my body tenses up. I realize that my breathing is very shallow. I feel trapped, small, helpless. The first thing I do is to remind myself to breathe. The act of focusing on my breath centers me and expands the energy around me. In this space, I can think and act more clearly. When I feel myself becoming too overwhelmed, I try to immediately remove myself from the situation. Sometimes all it takes is a couple minutes to walk away and regain my balance. Other times, I have had to make the decision not to spend time with people who consistently drain my energy.
Having a safe space to retreat, practicing mindfulness and meditation, or visualizing a protective shield around yourself are other methods that can help restore balance when boundaries are invaded. Closing the door, taking a step back, shaking your head, or signaling with your hands can be less threatening ways of letting others know what you will and won’t accept from them.
I respect and love myself enough to recognize when something isn’t healthy for me, and I am confident enough to set clear boundaries to protect myself. Writing became therapeutic for me. I found myself that I could say things in writing, yet I’m unable to verbalize to neither my Mama nor anyone.
Mama used to tell, that nobody can be responsible for your happiness and healing, only you can. Seeing my truth on paper was the ultimate form of validation for me. I no longer needed to be “perfect.” I gave myself permission to be authentic and honored every feeling that came up.
Even though, how many times I spit those harsh words to you, it doesn’t seem to affect you at all. And although, how many times I say sorry, it also doesn’t seem to make things right back again, as it used to be. Yes, it’s not fair to point a finger or put the blame on you solely. I have to admit mine as well, anyhow.
In spite of that, you and I both know that, it just did not work out for both of us anymore. Perhaps, we’re really not meant for each other, no fate to meet or see you in person too. But, how I wish I could tell you straight in front of your nose, that I’ve been longing for you, real bad and abhor you at the same time. It is simply in between.
I thought I could be able to leave my feelings far from reality. But it stays at the door, I hope I won’t open it for you, no more. Because you seem fine without me.
You didn’t leave me with pure love, it is not bruises on the body that hurt, it is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind, because the pain comes all from you.
Someone that I thought, trust and honesty are his priorities. Unfortunately, I was wrong… or perhaps I was and still am being too guarded and protective towards myself, alone. Confused.
Wish we could turn back time to the good old days. But, when silence is the only answer. It’s over.